Primary

Funny story.

In my second book, Bullies in the Headlights, I reference a church song in which the words have been changed. Here are the original words:

I have two little hands folded snugly and tight,
They are tiny and weak yet they know what is right.
During all the long hours till daylight is through,
There are plenty of things for my two hands to do.

In the book, I changed the words to the following:

I have five little fingers on one of my hands,
I have six on the other, I don’t understand.
During all the long hours till daylight is through,
I have one little finger with nothing to do.

My sons, of course, like my version better. In my book I have actions that go along with the new words, one of these actions are to stick one’s finger up one’s nose.

So whenever we all get together for singing time, they sing my version, and do my actions. I’ve found it quite funny over the last few months, but today it all came back to bite me in the end.

We’re moving next week, so this is our last time at church. In primary, they have what are called ‘heartfelt’ songs. Basically, it’s a child’s favorite song. Whenever we sing that song, the child whose heartfelt song it is, stands at the front and sings it with everybody.

Well, today the primary chorister said, “It’s the Jensen’s last week, and it just so happens that all five of them have the same heartfelt song–I Have Two Little Hands. So we want them to come up and lead us in the song.

I should mention that I teach a primary class, so I’m sitting right there.

My five boys look shell shocked. They’re supposed to lead the class not only in word, but in action. They don’t know the real words, let alone the real actions. They stood there like deer in the headlights while the rest of the primary sang the song. The other kids looked confused because my boys weren’t singing their heartfelt song.

That’s bad enough, but it gets worse.

After the song the chorister, sounding a little confused, asked, “Why is that your favorite song?”

Son number three was quick to fill in the details. “My dad changed all the words and actions, so we like it.”

There was a few seconds of silence, and then the chorister looked at me. “Well then, why don’t we ask Brother Jensen to come up and teach us his way.”

My turn to look like a deer in the headlights.

Have I mentioned my wife is in primary as well? I look back at her and she is at once able to motion to me–a motion I interpret as ‘if you get up and teach them that song you’re going to sleep on the couch for a year–and at the same time motion to the chorister that no, Brother Jensen’s version might not set the right tone for the rest of primary.

It took some convincing, but we finally got the kids singing time back on track, and we escaped without further corruption of our little primary children.

Hopefully we can do as little damage at our next ward.

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9 Responses to Primary

  1. Annette Lyon says:

    Hahahahahaa!

    I can laugh because it wasn't me.

  2. Krista says:

    ROFL. I've never used that acronym before. R. O. F. L.

  3. Karen says:

    hahahahhaahahaha. My um…brother has a version of Once there was a snowman that is also non-conducive to any situation outside the privacy of one's home. Fun, but…let's just say the snowman end up in an avalanche in the end. Good luck in your next ward. :)

  4. Daron D. Fraley says:

    Holy cow… You had me laughing to tears. I have got to share this post with my family.

  5. Tom and Mel says:

    Oh my goodness! I wish I could've been there!!!!

  6. Amber Argyle-Smith says:

    At least your son didn't run out of sacrament meeting with his pants around his ankles hollering, "Mom! I gotta poop!"

  7. Brenda says:

    Thanks for dropping books off for our reading party! I'm so excited that you'll be there.
    My son was reading *bullies* and commented to me that you must be LDS (we're Lutheran, so that was impressive to me) and told me about that song. He says it is so funny.
    Thanks for the humor!

  8. Titus Todd says:

    Hilarity!

  9. Marni says:

    I was at the book party today and got to take your book home. Thank you, thank you for writing such a fun book. I have one really reluctant reader with an irreverent sense of humor (he gets it from his father – this post could totally be about our family). I've been telling him he is absolutely not allowed to read the book before I do, so I believe he is in bed right now with a flashlight reading away.

    We will definitely be tracking down more. Keep writing!

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